Who is your hero?

Role models are awesome. They inspire our best selves. 

But what do you do when you have slim pickings to choose from?

As human beings, we aspire to be our absolute best. Well, some of us do.

We strive toward the mental, emotional and physical ideal. These ideals are, in large part, defined or determined by the societies in which we live. We are fed images of what we should do, be or have in magazines, television, movies and then we internalize those messages. We assess ourselves measured up against what we see or hear and we make one of two choices:

we accept the ideal or we reject it

Heterosexual, cisgender people have many role models or heroes in our society. There are virtually unlimited examples of people to emulate or look up to. Young boys have countless athletes from our professional sports teams and young girls have the same, now that women's sports are getting more visibility. They have countless visible musicians and artists and servicemen, including the armed forces, police, firemen and so on. Children of different racial and ethnic identities are seeing themselves increasingly reflected more often in Hollywood, professional sports and television shows. You get my point.

I'm a transgender person. I identity more male than female but truthfully, I really sit somewhere closer to the middle of the spectrum. Since male and female and the roles and tasks and traits to go with them are mostly made up by society, I don't feel too stressed out anymore as to whether or not I "fit" within norms. I tossed that idea out a long time ago.

Imagine my inner conflict when my transgender role models are few and far between, and the ones who are out there are not heroes for me at all. One report says that transgender people make up 0.3% of the American population. That's not a lot of people, y'all. 

But I need a hero and what I need from a hero isn't going to be the same as what others need. 

There's an implicit understanding in LGBTQ culture or communities: we support our own. We do this because so many of us experience discrimination or prejudice from the larger society or rejection for our families. We are expected and/or strongly encouraged to show support when "one of us" rises in the ranks by achieving something great or becoming more visible and celebrated in popular culture.

I am 100% on board with this, because when someone is following his/her bliss, we should be happy, no matter who that person is or who we are. 

But support doesn't have to mean unconditional acceptance or affiliation. One of the mistakes people outside the LGBTQ communities make is to assume that we are all the same or that we all get along and love each other. This couldn't be farther from the truth. While we do share a certain level of respect and support for one another because the communities are still so small, this is changing by the day.

As the LGBTQ communities evolve and expand, and as we get more visibility, we are developing more of an ability to differentiate ourselves by the other things that make us who we are--our skills, abilities, interests, hobbies and habits--not the sexuality identities we share in common. 

For example, a young transgender man recently took his desire for more public exposure to the next level and entered the competition to be on the cover of Men's Health magazine. My immediate reaction was internal conflict. While I feel happy that someone is pursuing a personal goal, I also feel sad that his presentation is so typically "male" by American standards. He's white, he has muscles and a beard and he says things like, "yo, it's your boy, Aydian, here". 

I'm going to be honest, this guy is not a tremendous inspiration to me as a person or, specifically, as a transgender person, for a few good reasons.

Before I say more, I will hold up that something that commonly happens when someone receives more visibility is that

First, as a certified health coach, I know that muscles have absolutely nothing to do with being fit OR healthy. Some of the unhealthiest people I know practically live in the gym and have the worst diets I've ever seen. In fact, this person was actually quoted as saying, "I try to eat healthy" in his entry to the Men's Health magazine competition. As someone who sees nutrition as the foundation of good health, I was concerned when I saw he was offering nutrition coaching to other people. From the little I know about him, he has no credentials in nutrition OR coaching and if he's giving tips on blending processed protein powders as nutrition, he has nothing to offer me. Weight-lifting tips? Sure, I can use some of those. But most of the videos this guy posts are about him flexing in front of the mirror and not actually showing me how to lift weights. There are plenty of hetero/cis narcissistic bodybuilders out there, I don't need to watch a transgender one.

Second, he transitioned when we was in his early 20s. I transitioned WELL into my adulthood This not only affected the results I would see from my physical transition but required a MASSIVE social transformation, as I had a fully solidified identity to overhaul. He also had the unconditional support of his family and a loving partner, whereas my family and former partner deserted me emotionally and physically during my tumultuous transition process. I think this experience is more common among transgender individuals than his experience.  It doesn't mean his wasn't difficult in any way. He clearly struggled, despite having the support of loved ones. But I can't identify as much with someone who didn't experience the sacrifices I have.

Third, he's very body-focused, especially on his own physique. This person repeatedly makes videos or posts pictures of himself half-naked, sometimes flexing, sometimes staring off into space for reasons I don't understand. He uses his own physique as the focal point of his message or inspiration. I don't derive inspiration from his body because I actually love my own more. I've posted maybe four topless pictures in the past three years because my message and mission isn't about my body, it's about being a holistically healthy person. I share that message with my writing or pictures of my life: my living space, my friends, my community, my nutrition, my spirituality. For transgender people, in particular, his body represents an image we see too much of already around us from mainstream society and it serves as a reminder of what we won't have and, in some cases, don't really even want.

But I love him, still, because he is "one of our own". He has done a lot for many people in the transgender community but he isn't my type of guy. He's not a role model for me because I don't identity with the "dude bro" masculine archetype the way he does. In fact, most of the transgender AND cisgender men I hang out with don't identify like that, either. We aren't the Men's Health-buying type. Those are his people, these are mine. 

So, for a few good reasons, this person isn't a role model for me, but that doesn't mean he isn't one for other people. He attracts those who need him for exactly who he is, which isn't who or what every transgender person is.

Gender roles and expectations are changing for everyone, LGBTQ or not, and that's a great thing. As a health coach, practicing Buddhist and person who identifies as much with cooking and cleaning as I do with picking things up and putting them down, I really enjoy living in the grey as I do. I enjoy speaking in falsetto when I get excited or crossing my legs at the knee because I did it for 34 years and old habits die hard.

I enjoy receiving compliments from straight women and gay men and everyone in between.

I enjoy inspiring people who feel like they don't fit in, whether it's because of their religious identity or because they are young and divorced with two kids and wonder who will find them attractive. 

AND I enjoy inspiring LGBTQ people, both young and old, who struggle with self-acceptance or coming out at work, in school or to their family for the ever-present fear of rejection.

My role models in the LGBTQ community may be far and few in between, but they are increasing by the day as more people come out and share their gifts with the world. My heroes are people who are demonstrate mental, emotional AND physical muscle. Sometimes they are in the media, sometimes they are local business owners and sometimes they are the people swinging a bat on my LGBTQ softball team. We are such complex, dynamic people, after all, and are as different or as similar to the larger society we live in because we are all products of it.

My LGBTQ heroes and role models are people who inspire me to be a better person. They are people with whom I share common interests, abilities, skills or passions.

We all need a hero and we get to choose who those people are based on who we are and who we want to be.