Would You Rather Be Right or Free?
This came up for me recently in two different instances. I think I first heard this from Byron Katie. Instance One: I was leaving a part-time job that wasn't aligned with work I want to be doing right now.
Instance Two: Seeing friends engaging in heated posts on facebook.
In the first instance, it was challenging for me. Really. I allowed myself to be frustrated by the behavior of some people, namely around their constant negativity, fear-based living and victimization. And they kept mis-pronouning me (calling me "she" and "her" despite my repeated requests to use "he" and "him"). I've been through a lot to express myself as authentically as I can and it's distracting and a bit dismaying to be identified in a way that isn't aligned with who I've stated myself to be.Yep, people mess up. I get it. But when I tried to name this (after it going on for several months, I was told "you just have to let it go". No. No, I don't at all. That's not right.
I realized recently that I'd spent a lot of my time fighting to be right. In relationships. In jobs. And rather than be right in yet another instance, I just wanted to be free.
Additionally, when I see my facebook friends posting something controversial and ensuing in heated exchanges with folks about it, I feel the same way. I went through a period of my life when I had to be right about:
vegetarianism
white privilege
LGBT oppression
liberal/progressive politics
(too many more things to list)
and the more I ranted and raved about these things, the less happier I felt. It didn't bring me joy to bring anger and righteousness to the situation. And I rarely did I feel joy when people engaged with just as much righteousness and ire. I felt joy when I shared my opinions with people who shared them (yay, community) and gently introduced them to people who had never heard of them. Because they benefit from so much opportunity and hardly any marginalization or oppression worldwide, talking to most white men about white male privilege may not go over convincingly in most cases, but I can gently say things and plant a seed. I have a great example of when this went well and I distinctly remember my attitude at the time. I wasn't trying to be right about it. I just shared my experience and perspective. I felt solid enough about it to just say it. I knew books were written about it. I knew other people who validated my opinion about it. I didn't need this person to validate it but oddly enough, perhaps because I shared it so gently, it ended up changing his perspective (and his whole life, so he says) forever.
I learned this approach from the way I approach my food and eating habits. Having once been militant in my own eating habits, I nod and smile when someone firmly states their opinion about why it's "right". Some folks get really caught up in this and have a hard time understanding why everyone can't see the light. I learned a dietary theory called "bio-individuality" from Joshua Rosenthal who claims there are no rules that apply to everyone so there is no one way to be "right". There are some good practices and enlightened methods to use when approaching how we grow and consume our food (because it makes us who we are) and it's nice when people come around to them. It would be nice for us and for the planet if more people came around sooner than later. And nice will beget nice, I think.
My goal is to bring this theory into every example in my life when I feel a conflict between being right and being free.
I know how I feel when I want to be right. I know how I feel when I want to be free. And rarely, hardly ever, do they feel the same way.
I'd rather be free.