All right. So you're here because you want to read more about what others said and did when I was coming out that felt funky or weird so you don't do it, yourself.

Sweet.

Read on.

But read it with all the love and compassion and humor I felt when I wrote it. I'm serious.

We learn and grow from our mistakes, but only if we can be strong enough to admit we made them, get complete about it and move on.

I also have grown tremendously from remembering and reminding myself that people truly are doing their best.

OK. Here we go.

(remember to smile while reading this because I was smiling when I wrote it)

1) “I told everyone about your surgery and to use male pronouns”:

without asking me ahead of time, a friend told an entire wedding party that I had just had surgery a week prior and everyone should use male pronouns when I arrived for the reception. Over shrimp cocktail and small talk, an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a couple of years asked me “how I was doing” and when I replied, “fine” she said, “no, really. How are you doing?” with a worried expression. It made me feel naked and exposed and extremely vulnerable right after an intense, life-changing surgical procedure. When I shared the impact of that experience, the person who told everyone blamed me for not being a teacher and gave me the silent treatment.

If you want to support me, ask me what, if anything, I want people to know about my personal life. If I get upset when you do this in a way that feels unsafe for me, don’t make that my fault or problem.

2) “So, what pronouns should I use for you?”:

it’s really hard to come to that decision and I may not have an answer for you. I may also not want to use one or the other OR might be having a really hard time adjusting to being called one after X-number of years being called the other one. I know you’re trying to be respectful. I know some trans* people feel really comfortable with people ask them. To me, it felt like a knife in my eye. I didn’t know and the fact that I didn’t know hurt even more.

Take my lead and that of those in my inner circle. See what my friends say when you're in my company or check out my facebook wall. When in doubt, just use my name. “My friend, Dillan, is brave. Dillan inspires me to...” or, “Dillan posted a great blog entry the other day, etc.”

3) “Have you had the surgery yet? Are you done now?”:

I get it. Genitals equal sex for you. I knowwwwww. But I’m transGENDER, which is about what you see, not what you don’t see. Confused? It’s ok. Some trans* people have surgeries to change their bodies. Some don’t. Some people go their whole lives not changing a thing because it’s very expensive and difficult in many ways. All you need to know is that the emotional transition is often WAY bigger than the physical one and just as important. You don’t really need to know about what’s happening in my pants to support me.

I’m curious, do you know the penis size and bra size of all your friends and their partners?

4) “How is _______ dealing with this? He’s/She’s _______, right?”:

my transition may or may not be difficult or traumatic or even relevant to my partner’s sexual orientation. Love is love. It’s. really. that. simple. It’s either there or it’s not, and it comes and goes in relationships for many reasons. We don’t worry on your sex life or past or future partners, so if you see us smiling and we treat each other well, that’s what you need to focus on. If we tell you we are having issues, support us as you would any couple working through hard things. ;)

5) “Oh, I can tell you’re trans* because _______”:

yep, my hands and feet are smaller than those of the average male. I’m well aware. Telling me that or pointing it out is naming the obvious. Next time we hang out, I’ll make sure to comment on the size of your nose or the hair growing out of your ears or your (lack of) fashion sense or your breath. Or how about the way you...Oh, Lordy.

Would you say you know someone is pregnant because she looks like a beached whale?

Oh, wait. People DO do that.

6) “Wow. You look great. Are you feeling ok?”:

so you know I transitioned and the patronizing tone implies that I didn’t look good or healthy before or that you are surprised to see me up and walking around in broad daylight like a normal human being. Or maybe I don’t know what you mean by that, actually.

Why are you saying it in that tentative and condescending tone of voice, exactly?

7) “So, is Dillan your real name?”:

hmm. if I’m using it and introduced myself to you as such, I guess it is. What would knowing my other name (if there was one) do for you? Do you ask that of any ordinary person when you meet them or do you ask all your married friends who changed their last names what their former last name was? Probably not. Because it would be weird or rude. And that’s how it sounds when you do it to a trans* person.

8) “I have a transgender friend you should meet”:

chances are, I may not have anything in common with the person you know, other than the fact that we are transgender. If I specifically ask you if you know anyone who is trans* who may benefit from my coaching programs or services or because I articulate that I need more friends, your help is much appreciated. But assuming that two trans* people will be compatible because of one identity they share is unrealistic.

Hey! Which reminds me, you have brown hair. I know this other great person with brown hair. I should introduce you guys...

9) “I know you just started this whole process, but I’m really curious...”:

I had to come out so people knew to refer to me differently. It takes tremendous courage and authenticity and it doesn’t mean I am ready, willing or able to divulge the whole process to you from the get-go. I have to share the basics from a place of necessity. Consider the details to be delicate, fragile and extremely personal.

10) “I saw this and thought of you”:

sending me every link you find about transgender people is less helpful to me than if you post it on your facebook wall or send it out in an email to your entire distribution list. More than reading another article about someone who is living an experience similar to mine, I need more cisgender people to open their minds and hearts to something other than their own experience. That makes the world safer and more supportive for me. Please spread any information you come across widely with people who need the education and awareness.

11) "You're going through a lot. You're like a teenage boy right now":

a year into my transition, my lesbian friend said this out loud to me in a crowd of strangers at a party. They looked at me, trying to understand how a grown adult was a teenage boy. Whether or not those people knew I was transgender before, they were now being brought into that awareness. If you're struggling to accept my transition, it doesn't help me when you out me to others to make sure they know that you know that I know that you know.

You know?

Friends, that’s just a start. I could go on, but these are some gems from the past year. Remember I said to take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Please post comments and thoughts below. Have fun with this!

10 Things Folks Did or Said (or Do or Say) That Make Being Transgender Hard and/or Hilarious