Let people be themselves (for better leadership)

Working with people isn't always easy, but it's kind of hard to avoid unless you're a hermit.

If you want to be effective in your life, personally or professionally (because wherever you go, there you are), playing well with others is key. Whether you're the employee or the boss, you've got to make this work. 

It might not be working because you probably have this list of shoulds in your head. Things people should do, should say, should think, should eat, should feel, etc. You might have an idea of what people need to be doing to make things work and you have to be the person to make them do it.

Ironically, that way of thinking is making you less effective.

Here's a secret: that list you have for them probably starts with things about yourself, ways for you to measure yourself against other people. Ways you have to be, act or things you have to do to "look good". It's a list to attain perfection, perhaps. Which, as we all know, isn't something that's really achieved in real life.

Now think about what you do and say to people if they don't hit that list. If they don't measure up. What does your speech or behavior indicate about who people are being? 

After struggling with this for many years, this was a recent breakthrough for me, so I feel like I have something really valuable to share with you. For a long time, I judged people. It was such a deeply-ingrained habit, I didn't even know I was doing it. Once I realized it, I tried to stop. I changed negative judging to judging with good intentions (which is still judgment). I was doing it because I was constantly comparing myself to them or just studying them because human beings are interesting. I was judging them the way I was judging myself.

And then I realized there was a very subtle, quick background hum of, "they should be doing ___ like this" which was really WEIRD because I thought I eliminated all of that from being a health coach. But I hadn't. In fact, having ideas of what people could or could not do to improve their lives isn't all that bad. In part, that's why people hire me. Or why you're doing what you're doing in your role. But if you bring a SHOULD, then it's a problem. If you're attached to an outcome, you get in the way of that person being exactly who that person needs to be.

If I have a certain idea of a right way to do something, I bring that to the table or interaction. And the person feels it, because people aren't stupid.

If you're not conscious of this, you might be giving people the impression, with your words or behavior, that they aren't doing a good job being themselves. That they don't know what's best for them. That they have no access to an inner truth or intelligence that trumps yours.

You having an opinion is awesome--it means you're thinking critically and with an open-mind (ideally). But if you express yourself as a point of FACT--like "this is how it is or SHOULD be"  or "this is what you SHOULD or shouldn't do" you're limiting what's possible, for yourself or another person.

And you know me, I'm all about not putting limits on life. No limits on food, time, energy, money, possibilities or ideas, identities, courage, confidence, hairstyles, etc.

If you look at Facebook or the news, you see all people do is bring SHOULDS to the table. They lead their lives with shoulds and lots of pointing fingers. We can see how well this is (not) working, right?

I'm not saying to be completely hands-off and not speak for what you need to make a working or professional relationship work better. But when you let people be themselves, by NOT bringing too many shoulds to the conversation or interaction, you begin to really LEAD from a place of possibility and potential. People who are attuned to and invested in their own growth, and not shirking from it, sense that and like it. They will gravitate toward you, effortlessly. They will step up their game. 

Before you try this with anyone, try it at home. Start with you, because you're the best guinea pig (sorry, vegans). Randomly check in with yourself throughout the day and try to notice how many times the word "should" pops into your head or out of your mouth. Next, notice why. Why even use that word? Can you substitute it with something else? Can you remove your own perspective and opinion and see what that person does or says on his/her own?

Give it a try. See what happens.

Let people be themselves