Dillan Digiovanni

I Don't Want To Do This

InspirationDillan DiGiovanniComment

"I don't want to do this" is really diferent from "I can't do this". These both usually come up when I'm faced with doing something good or right for myself. I'm learning how long I haven't been acting in my own best self interest. And seeing how well I'm doing that now. It's great (and hard). I'm lucky, I guess. There isn't much in life that scares me. There isn't much I've faced that I didn't feel I could do, conquer and overcome. But there are a few things.

One of my biggest fears is doing something and not being sure that it's the right thing. It all depends on how you define "right", I guess. Since we all have an opinion and a different perspective on life, I guess it means there's no such thing as right. Society and the media tells us there is. Etiquette does, too. But you can all see how well I follow the rules of society and the media. ;)

I've learned that being afraid and honoring my fear is important. Succumbing to it is not an option if I want to be healthier and happier.

Right before my surgery, I was afraid. I was afraid I had lost my grip on reality a little bit and was not doing the "right" thing. Here I was, 34 years old, and about to undergo a massive surgery that would change my body permanently. And those hormones? My voice is changed forever. And I'm growing facial hair. I am totally changing the person I am, inside and out. Scary stuff!! There were more than a few times when I said, "I can't do this." More than a few.

But I listened to my gut and got advice from people I trusted. And when I thought about it for a really long time, I realized I wanted to do what I was doing. My fear mostly came from the risk I was taking and how I was going against what people told me (and everyone else in this country) how to look, be, act, dress, etc.

The more work I did to address my feelings, I understood that the fear came from going against the grain, not because I wasn't doing the "right" thing. The right thing, for me. 

In the past year leading up to that huge process and decision, and since then, I've noticed--really noticed--when that voice comes up and says, "I don't want to do this" or "I can't do this".  Instead of acting impulsively, I'm taking as much time as I need to understand that voice and what it's trying to tell me. I can honor that I don't really want to do something and separate it from being scared to do it. When it's my choice, whether I'm scared or not, it feels different. No one's forcing me. I am choosing to show up, be brave and do what I think is the "right" thing to do.

I enjoy knowing that I don't want to do something because I am so clear inside that it's not the right fit for me. I've noticed from my coaching business, and from life, that people don't usually pay attention to what they want and need, they just keep doing something that isn't right until they drop or  they make other people around them miserable in the process. I was like that. That's not the person I want to be, anymore. I've never had such clear communication with my gut and inner self before and it's really an interesting experience. I am enjoying showing up and doing things I like and enjoy and seeing the positive impact I can have when I'm doing that.

I am also enjoying saying "no" and walking away from things, people, food or situations that do not serve me or make me feel happy and healthy.

I have found when I feel resistance to something, I'm trying harder to pay attention to whether or not I'm scared to do it or I just don't want to do it. It really changes things, you know? When I feel scared, what is that fear telling me? In the case of my physical transition, my fear told me I was doing the right thing for me even if many people could or would never understand it. More and more, I am doing what feels right for me. And it many cases, it means saying, "I don't want to do this". So I don't.

It's like giving myself a gold star for being true to me.