shame

Showing up, being seen and seeing how shame serves us.

I woke up to a 3-alarm fire in my little town last night. Heard the sirens as the vehicles rushed past beneath my bedroom window and I figured they were headed somewhere far away.

I checked the local Facebook page and learned the fire was a block away from my little home.

I dressed and went outside into the dark and it was such a thing to experience, the flames were two stories high, as my neighbors wandered around at midnight watching and wondering how to feel.

Everyone is safe and a prominent and beloved local business was burned to the ground and is now gone. The apartments above, homes, also gone.

I thought of impermanence. I felt my ability to embrace how things come and go like this, overnight. The art of learning to let go takes tremendous courage and great skill.

It's a process. And humans need each other for that process.

As this community where I've lived deals with this loss, I'm thinking of ways to share my skills as a good listener to help people process the event and their grief. The loss of this staple business and the impact on the community.

And I feel afraid. I feel afraid to be seen. I've been sort of hiding out here, moving around and not really getting involved or even going out much. It's part of how I've dealt with all my trauma these past few years. It's so far from who I used to be when I used to LIVE HERE AND LOVE MY LIFE. Now it feels so scary and sometimes impossible. It's easier for me to stand in front of a group of people at one of my talks or events in New York than to be standing beside someone getting coffee in this tiny town.

Because the intimacy triggers me. It reminds me of being loved and losing. It reminds me of the things people have said to me that felt invasive and hurtful. It reminds me of feeling invisible when I desperately needed help.

It reminds me of the fearful act of merely being alive.

But all those triggers are the sharp points to lean into. Otherwise, we spend our whole lives leaning away from pain and never fully embracing it. We construct little mental cocoons where we feel safe but never fully comfortable. I lived in one for years. I felt cramped and self-conscious.

So I know how many human beings feel each and every day of their lives, as we confront the fear of being seen for who we are, wherever we are, whatever we do. This never frightened me before which allowed me such great freedom before it was time for me to feel the fear that's fueled by shame. But shame isn't all bad. It actually is a sign that we're awake and we're seeing life as it really is. It's a sign of our potential to evolve, it shows us where we can do more work to be our best self. We just have to keep the shame in check and make sure we aren't using it to work against us more than FOR us. 

It's something only we can shift for ourselves, seeing how shame and suffering limit the light and love we can send and receive. We shift this in service to and with others, coming first from love for ourselves. 

There's so much nuance to navigate to make sure we're not using other people to hide from caring for ourselves. Putting them or work first and saying, "it's love."

Real love never limits as it's unlimited.

So I'll offer to listen or lend my love in other ways to nurture more unlimited love in the world.

If we all started in our local communities, generating ripples where we live and work each and every day, love just becomes who we ARE.

Mastering the Art of Authenticity

We are told this when we are kids. "Just be yourself."

"You can't please everyone."

It dazzles me how many of us still struggle with this as adults. And I recommend that you doubt the ones who say they don't care what others think. Bravado is a thing, after all.

The truth many of us come to learn the hard way as adults is not everyone will like us. The same stuff that tripped us up as teens still hovers above our heads and in our subconscious as we age. Your need to please or be accepted by others might be so ingrained you aren't even aware of it.

And you're not alone. Trust me.

Each and every person struggles with insecurity. Because it manifests so differently for each person, it's often really hard to tell who is and who is not battling an inner demon.

I made the deliberate decision about a year ago to be increasingly more authentic with my own life experiences and share them in a public way. I don't share everything, I'm not entirely transparent. But I share a realistic range. For instance, I wrote about my experience with depression and it was my most-read article to date. I share "all the things" I know others grapple with and some people find me and my stories incredibly inspiring.

Inspiring. I get that a lot. To many people, I appear incredibly confident and oblivious to the opinions of others.

But for each and every person who likes my posts or tells me of my impact, there are also many, many, many people who do none of these things. It's one of my deepest insecurities, actually, that people seem to be so split down the middle about me. I think some people say to themselves, "oh man. Another self-aggrandizing post from Dillan the Showboat."

self-aggrandizing:   arrogant        pompous      big-headed    conceited   hifalutin     self-applauding

 

I know there are more than a handful of people who would describe me in those words--or maybe worse, who knows?

There are moments where this triggers me to feel so misrepresented or misunderstood. Many of my clients share these worries and concerns with me, they know I know how difficult it can be to sit with those feelings. The fear of this is why more people aren't open and honest about their lives!

There's good reason why people have varied opinions of us. If you're being authentic, you aren't only sharing what's safe and convenient, you're sharing the complexity of who you are as a person. You're sharing the dark parts of you and your life as well as the light parts. Many people don't do this: they aren't this honest with themselves and they aren't being this honest with you.

People see us through the filters they use to view the whole world--staring with themselves. Anything that is unresolved, unhealed or uncomfortable for them will be reflected and projected outward, it will be the lens through which they hear and see and experience the world. Even their experience of us will be colored in this way.

You could be saying the sky is blue, and if their filters see green---they SEE GREEN.

There's nothing any of us can (or should) do about this, other than to know it and accept it.

People will perceive and experience us as either a threat or source of inspiration and it speaks more to who they are and what they are addressing (or avoiding) in their own lives than what we are actually doing.

If we didn't learn this as children and teens, we get decades of adulthood to master it. We get to master the art of being our authentic selves and draw people toward us who desire the same for themselves. Get out your magnifying glasses and x-ray goggles because imposters roam among us--the ones who are talking a talk that doesn't ring true.

A lot of folks are more invested in fitting in and keeping up appearances than doing the hard work of being real and sharing the complexity of that with the world.

jul11-authenticity

 

Focus more on being a kind person and sharing your light with the world and worry less about the ones who can't get on board with the ways you're doing it. Remember that not everyone will like you because they only see you with the limited filters they use for themselves. Practice this every time you forget it, and you'll have mastered the art of authenticity.