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What to say when asked why you're single.

Well, here we are.

It’s that time of year when you’re attending parties and stuff and people like to be curious (read: rude) and ask about your relationship status, assuming and asserting in their question that you’re doing something WRONG if you’re still single. Meanwhile they walk into the next room and have a co-dependent cat fight with the person they hate but can’t quit on or leave. And you’re like, “really? I’m supposed to want THAT for myself?”

Mmmm. I know you’re thinking #notallrelationships but, there’s a part of you that knows I’m right. Right? Right.

I’m sort of kidding here. Of course I know there are many people who find the loves their lives and feel really happy. But from conversations in coaching sessions and also with friends or peers, it’s been a real eye-opener for me how many relationships aren’t the wedded/partnered bliss that I once believed from what’s being portrayed. I think it’s important to unpack that and make it more real.

The questioning about relationship status happens whatever age you are but especially in middle and late adulthood, when social expectations about partnership and family are fierce. Being single during these years often has a negative stigma which is hilarious because I believe most people are more miserable than they are happily matched. Don’t let people make you think otherwise.

Is being single lonely? Sure. Sometimes.

Is being single awesome? YES! You get all the time to do all the things!

Is being single some indication of you being broken or weird or some other word because you don’t fit into a widely-regarded yet rarely-explored social norm? NOPE.

Finding a partner you truly love and respect is awesome. If you’re monogamous and that’s your thing, of course. Finding a happy partnership could, and should(?), really add benefit for your life. But being single has its merits and there’s no need to keep struggling and suffering about your status for yet another holiday season—and beyond.

Unlike what people may try to insinuate, being single may indicate you have one of three things:

1) taste- you don’t settle. It’s just not how you’re built. You have standards and you stick to them and don’t really feel inclined to deviate. Rigorously high standards? What IS too high, really? People don’t come with return receipts without some fallout so…you peruse the merchandise more carefully before choosing.

2) self-confidence- sure, being single can be weird sometimes when you’re hanging around a bunch of people who partnered up from fear of being alone (OFTEN) or because they actually love the person they’re with (RARE) but only if you think about it from the lens of lack. BE CONFIDENT and you will soon see things for how they really are. Hint: listen carefully when couples interact with each other. It reveals a lot.

3) patience- I mean, what’s the rush? Finding someone to be with just so you can fit in or feel “normal”? So you can spend your best years playing games or struggling in power dynamics that leave you exhausted? What if you waited until you’re more mature and got yourself figured out well and then find someone who has also done that work. EUREKA! Sounds like heaven to me. People used to get hitched so young because they had livestock to care for and needed bodies to tend the critters. These people also died by the age of 40. We aren’t there anymore. We can do things differently. Take your time.

***NOW. If you are single from fear of commitment or because you seem to have some behaviors that limit your emotional availability or…something else a coach or therapist can help you with, I suggest you look into getting some support. It IS worth exploring why you’re single if you feel fear or discomfort about your status.***

After being single for so many years (I’ve lost count now), someone asked me the other day if I wanted to be partnered again. It was interesting to be asked that and I wondered if it’s because it’s SUCH a cultural expectation even if you, like I, feel pretty content with your single-hood. While I grieved the person or the loss of my past relationships, I never really had baggage around being a single person. I see people strugging around it probably because they’re concerned with what people think of them. I do worry about this, for other reasons, but not because I feel insecure about being single. Being selectively single for this many years has allowed me time and space to witness other peoples’ relationships and reflect on my own over the years. All this introspection helps me be really clear and intentional about who I’d like to be and what I’d really want in my next relationship. And that’s exactly what I told the person who asked me.

I hope this is helpful if you’ve been feeling badly about being single or unsure what to say when asked about it. You may find even more peace if you consider how much the culture is obsessed with partnering up even when it doesn’t serve people or make them satisfied. And it’s amusing how people project their expectations onto you. People may even feel envious or, in some cases, even threatened by someone being single, often because they are unsatisfied in whatever arrangement they have and desperately crave the freedom that comes with single-hood. When they ask you, remember this, and you might inspire them with your empowered answer!!

If people come at you with their weirdness about your life choices, you can use one of these cleverly-crafted replies below. If you want to quote me, GO FOR IT. Share the love. ;)

Just do whatever you need to do to feel good about your status as a single person and take action to change it, only if you WANT to.

If people ask why you're still single, you can reply:

1) because I'm not insecure and don't need to fit into societal expectations

2) because I'm waiting to find an emotionally mature partner and haven't met that person yet

3) because I'm working on my own personal development until I feel confident and mature enough to make a good partner

4) I feel confident I will find the right person when the time is right, and I don't need to force anything

5) I'm content living by myself and enjoy my solitude

6) I'd rather invest in myself and my friends and not chase people around just to look "normal" 

7) I don't feel incomplete without a partner, so I can be patient to find the right one

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Make Time For You: a virtual group coaching program

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If you just can't even right now, don't worry. 

You don't have to do it alone. Let's make time together.

 

Do you need a small group of like-minded people right now? Could you use some connection with people on this planet who are dedicated to wellness and positivity?

Rad. Join me.

I'll provide you with tips and tools to improve your nutrition and overall wellness and you'll share the best of what you know and learn the best from others in a safe and supportive virtual group setting.

Making time for yourself right now will help you bring even more focus and efficiency to all you have going on. You'll find and maintain balance in mind, body and spirit and check-in with other really busy people who “get it”.

It's tough to balance everything and stay healthy when you're doing it alone.

Don't. Let's do it together.

 

 

 

 

HERE'S HOW IT WILL WORK:

The Hangouts

This isn't just emails delivered to your inbox. There will be live Hangouts. I will host and facilitate the Google Hangout for each session. You just need to show up, with coffee or tea in hand and a notebook. We'll check in as a small group to review your progress and challenges and just generally have the kind of friendly and practical group conversation you need to keep yourself accountable to your own goals. Like a coffee date with a bunch of like-minded healthy pals. This isn't just small talk though: this is bringing your whole life in more focus.

You'll remember what you value and appreciate about yourself.

You'll dust off and practice the hobbies and interests you love but have let slide by the wayside.

You'll recommit to basic healthy habits that keep you centered and calm amidst chaos.

In addition to that awesomeness, you will also be given something new from me during each session to ponder or chew on--a new tool to add to your "toolbox for life".

Your group will meet via Google Hangout at 7:30PM EST about every two weeks on these dates:

September 29th October 6th October 20th November 3rd November 17th December 1st December 15th January 5th

this will be us!
this will be us!

You can join as many or as few as you want, but will definitely see more progress with each call you attend. Consistency is the key to success!

Can't make one? No problem! Each Hangout will be recorded (YES!) so you can catch up and watch them later.

The Facebook Group

Keep the connection GOING between our online Hangouts! To keep the energy from our Hangouts flowing, you will have open access to a Facebook group that is open 24/7! Post questions, comments, pictures, ideas---you name it! I'll moderate with tips and support but this group is all yours.

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join-our-facebook-group

I'll provide the framework, course content and the container for our meetings and Facebook group--you just bring yourself!

AS A MEMBER, YOU WILL:

-learn natural ways to boost your energy. The coffee can stay, I promise. -experience an improved and boosted immune system, especially during cold season. -practice the art of self-care with people who get the daily challenges you're up against -find more peace and stillness in your day-to-day

The cost of this program is $389 and space is limited to 8 people.

Sign up by SEPTEMBER 15th for a reduced, early-bird rate of $300--about $75 per month.

For less than a monthly cell phone bill, you will actually get the tools and support to balance your life better and be part of an amazing group of like-minded people who want you to succeed at life.

Sound good?

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Register_Now_button_blue

Make Your Own Muesli

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Have you been wanting to make your own muesli?

You all know I'm a huge fan of oatmeal. But one recent morning, it was too damn hot to eat oatmeal and I hadn't planned ahead to soak my oats for cooler breakfast consumption.

SO! I decided to make my own muesli. I knew a little bit about what was included (raw oats, nuts, seeds, dried fruit) and had just about everything I needed at my house. That's how to do it, folks. For pretty much anything in life. Start with a general idea and do your best.

Why do you want to make yer own muesli?

Muesli is an incredibly delicious, healthy and convenient breakfast option. Heck, you can eat it pretty much any time of day, really. It was first developed around 1900 by the Swiss physician, Maximilian Bircher-Brenner, for the patients at his hospital. He was an early advocate of whole foods and nutrition as the solution to most of what ailed folks. I heartily agree and can testify that the shift toward more whole foods and less refined products in my own diet has greatly improved my overall well-being. Many of you don't know the crap I once ate. I promise to write more about that in subsequent posts because I think it is a big gap in my story of transformation.

Here's my recipe/suggestions for building some kick-ass muesli. You want to have a fun and colorful assortment of dried fruit, nuts, seeds and fresh fruit to be served over/beside/under some fresh yogurt or milk of choice, like unsweetened almond—homemade or store-bought


I wasn't keeping up on my homemade coconut yogurt batches so I bought some incredible homemade Greek yogurt from a local shop—Sherman Market in Somerville which is now CLOSED :(.

It was sure damn tasty but my belly and my sinuses weren't having it. That’s the thing with food: sometimes what we LOVE doesn’t LOVE us back, and we need to adjust accordingly. I'm currently whipping up another batch of homemade coconut yogurt because I think it will be easier for me to digest. 

Another thing you want to consider with your homemade muesli: keep the ingredient amounts to a minimum because, while it's fantastically nutritionally dense it is also mega calorie dense. Make sure you find a nice balance between being full and ready for the day and not overstuffed. Mix the following ingredients together and serve in a bowl over fresh yogurt of your choice.

MAKE YER OWN MUESLI

1/2 cup dry, raw quick oats (some folks use rolled oats. That's a lot of chewing for me.)

1 Tbsp roasted, salted pumpkin seeds

1 Tbsp sunflower seeds (raw or roasted)

1 tsp raisins or dried cranberries

1 Tbsp diced, dried apricots (make sure to get unsulphured!)

1 tsp chopped/sliced almonds

OK, I could go on. Here's are a few more tasty ideas:

-chopped walnuts

-chopped dried dates

-dried coconut

-raw cacao nibs

-fresh blueberries, strawberries, raspberries or cherries (OR ALL OF THEM!)


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