balance

Go Your Own Way

Are you a Fleetwood Mac fan? My mom is. I’m not. But I do appreciate their music.

You might know they have this great song “Go Your Own Way”. I think it’s about not committing to a relationship.

If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you want to do

Want to know what I hear? A love song to society. It’s pretty much how I feel about human beings sometimes. Well, most times.

It seems to me sometimes that people would rather keep picking habits that don’t serve them over ones that do. It seems they want the most for the least amount of work and effort involved.

They want it cheap, fast and easy.

But a life well-lived is none of those things. In fact, it takes incredible amounts of work and tenacity. It’s so much easier to swim with the stream and stay alongside the status quo. So that’s what most people do. That’s what we see all over social media. And most people seem to be ok with a life like that. But I HATE IT. And I think my people (you) do, too. We crave being different and unique and breaking out of molds and boxes.

It takes a lot of work to do that.

But YOU CAN do it. I know. I do it all the time and have been doing it my whole life, really.

When Dave Matthews was the band to follow back in the day, I intentionally didn’t buy a CD. Just one example of many.

And there have been many days, especially in the past six years or so, when I doubted why I lived my life like that and when or if it would ever pay off. I began to get really worried that living outside the lines was catching up to me and I was getting left behind. I was losing the game. I wouldn’t ever be successful. It seemed like the way to be successful and happy, no matter fake and weird it seemed, was to do what everyone else was doing. To just be “normal”.

But I trusted myself. I kept going my own way and doing things differently, in ways that felt right for me. The more I did this, the harder my life got. And if you’ve been following along with me this whole time, you’ve seen the process unfold because I’ve shared it.

And maybe now you’re seeing that…is has totally been the right path all along. Because my life is going the way I want it to, even if it’s nothing like what mainstream society does. And that’s my whole message to you: go your own way. Even if it’s hard. Even when it’s scary. Even when you totally doubt yourself (like I often do).

Because being yourself CAN and DOES pay off. Maybe not the way it does for people who follow the silly societal rules and trends, but do you even really want that for yourself? Maybe you do. In which case, you should probably stop reading.

But if you’re trying to be yourself and have always felt like that was weird or wrong, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfect the way it is. You just have to really believe in yourself and keep sticking to it, especially in the darkest deepest moments when you feel alone and hopeless. Because then you get to have the big breakthroughs that make it all worthwhile.

Like me and what I got invited to do next week, for example. On Wednesday, I’ll be in NYC interviewing author and entrepreneur, Randi Zuckerberg, who wrote “Pick Three: You can have it all (just not every day)”. Pretty cool opportunity, right?!

Totally. And I was invited to do this in my role as a Global Mentor for WeWork Labs. Also another very cool opportunity! And I got that opportunity from other cool things that have happened to me for the past ten years of being a coach and speaker and writer.

And you know what’s the coolest thing about all these experiences? I got chosen for the work I do as a coach. And I emerged from the profound societal stigma of my identity as a trans* person and have persevered to be successful in a career of my own choosing. I also overcame my own personal limitations and mindset to persevere no matter what. Because is it possible I’m being given opportunities simply because I’m trans*? Like being tokenized to make a person or organization look better because they’ve included me? Sure. It’s totally possible and maybe even likely.

But I’m over it. As long as I’m being given opportunities to be visible and inspire (Dillanspire) people, then I’ll take as many as possible for whatever reasons.

If you haven’t experienced stigmatization like this, maybe you don’t get the gravity of what I mean. But I bet you can relate to being or feeling limited by someone or something in your life and told what you should do or be. You may have even been rejected by people you love, like I have, for being yourself. Or you feel that rejection on a daily basis.

And I bet you can relate to how horrible it feels.

And how tempting it is to give up in moments like that.

But if you’ve felt that, then you know how awesome it feels to not give up and how it’s feels SO GOOD when you’ve stuck to your values and principles when you were tested.

And how great the victory feels when you’ve gone your own way and have proven to yourself that it can and does work. Having that experience is TRUE success, in my opinion.

I know Randi feels similarly because I’ve read her book. And while we’ll be talking about work/life balance, we’ll also discuss how hard she worked to achieve her own personal version of success on her own terms.

Which is something we share in common, despite how different our lives are. We’ve both gone our own way and we’re better, stronger people because of it.

I hope this inspired you today,

Dillan

Three Good Habits To Get More Grounded

I drove myself all over the state of New Jersey and way up to Boston in a flurry of five days last week, so you can bet I was feeling a little disoriented come Monday.

I love being in constant motion. It makes me feel alive and vibrant, the opposite of stuck and stagnant, and I thrive on it. But it also creates some chaos to my habits and patterns that help me feel more focused and grounded.

So once I got back home, I started doing three things that always help me get my feet under me. And maybe they’ll help you, too, if you’re not already doing them or needed a reminder.

  1. Prioritize sleep. From all the driving around and late nights and different sleeping arrangements, my rhythms got thrown off. And sleep deprivation or disruption is a recipe for decreased immune system which can lead to getting sick. Since I already got sick three times this winter (!), I am not having more of that. So as soon as I could, I reestablished my sleep schedule and put myself to bed on time. I also changed my sheets which ALWAYS guarantees a great night’s sleep for me.

    Sleep is the best medicine: it’s cheap, free and extremely effective to help our bodies heal themselves.

  2. Eat greens. When I’m on the road like I was last week, it was hard to find enough greens to meet my daily goals. Greens include kale, spinach, broccoli, etc. and I’ve gotten pretty good at getting at least two servings of them in each day. But last week I got all thrown off from the choices available to me, so I immediately bought myself two big containers of greens and have been gobbling them up the past few days. Greens cleanse the blood, increase our alkalinity and are just generally great for good gut health.

  3. Practice breathing. The frenzy of running from one thing to the next is fun! I love it! I was so impressed how I pulled off such incredible feats of time management to squeeze so much in! I made everything work perfectly time-wise, including a full coaching schedule and lunch meetings and meals with friends. I did screw up one time and overbooked dinner plans with coaching sessions and had to disappoint myself and my friends. But we pivoted and will reschedule for another time. Can’t do it all perfectly, of course. But I noticed when the frenzy tipped the scales a bit and I started forgetting things because my brain was just fried. So I immediately forgave myself and started to practice breathing. The breathing brings in more oxygen and actually helps my brain calm down so I’m not in flight/fight/freeze mode (even in GOOD conditions, the brain just reacts the same) and can think more clearly and consciously. Just breathing helps me practice mindfulness to make the next best move.

Those three habits always help me get more grounded, even if I haven’t been running all over the place like I was last week. Life demands pull us out of alignment constantly and it’s up to us to practice good habits to find balance from one moment to the next.

See if these habits help you do this in your life. Which one can you practice starting right now? Taking action is always the best way to get grounded ASAP.

Minimalist or scarcity mindset?

Minimalism. 

It's all the rage right now. Or at least I'm hearing about it more lately in the circles I run in.

image source  here .

image source here.

And I think it's a great concept. I began to wonder, though, the fine line between minimalism and a scarcity mindset--because I think there's some potential there. 

My Buddhist practice teaches me not to think in absolutes, but instead to find the Middle Way with anything and everything. And OH MY GOSH does it help with so many things. All the things, in fact.

So, when thinking about minimalism as a lifestyle practice or identity you can consider the aspects that work and the point at which it begins to not work. Here's how I came to think about it for myself.

I recently moved into a new and amazing and TINY apartment. I found this hidden gem studio in the middle of a great neighborhood in Somerville and I jumped at the opportunity. It's basically a tiny house within a house. To be able to move into that space, I had to consider two contrasting perspectives:

  1. it would be an increase in living expenses to live alone
  2. I had to significantly downsize all my worldly possessions

Moving into this space required me to test out my own issues around scarcity mindset (related to the cost of living alone in a city with a high cost of living) AND minimalism in one fell swoop. And it was an incredibly challenging and awesome experience. Since I had a month and a half to prepare, I painstakingly went through almost every nook, cranny, gadget, gizmo, letter, picture, book, etc. that I owned and weighed its value in my life.

Did it make the cut or nah?

I'm talking pictures from when I was five and my high school yearbook and letters from my love interests from 20 years ago. And then I had to consider my 36" television and speaker setup----one of the things I loved most in the world. The hard truth was, they just would not fit in the new space so I had to either sell or donate them. I looked at the days remaining in the month and weighed the work of posting ads to sell things to make money (scarcity mindset) versus giving away (minimalism and abundance).

I can't say how or why it suddenly became effortless to just give everything away.

I CAN say how and why I chose to prioritize my resources on living alone after almost 10 years of living environments that didn't work for me. My mental health depended on it. All the scrimping and saving and coming from, "I don't have enough _____________" was bleeding out into my whole life.

"I don't have enough money" also showed up as I don't have enough time, love, support, balance, energy, focus, memory, integrity, etc.

Minimalism is awesome. It really shows us what is important--it allows us to release attachment to materialism or possessions that block our emotional freedom and peace. But it, like anything out of balance, can also be a way for us to deprive ourselves of things we need in name of being frugal. And that becomes scarcity mindset. And it begins as coupon clipping but can also show up as not reaching out to friends when you need help or overworking or perfectionism. If there's not enough for you to have, there's also not enough for you to give----and VICE VERSA--and it keeps repeating back and around on itself.

Tell me if you're with me?

Next time you find yourself making a decision from a well-intentioned place of minimalism, ask yourself if you're really scaling back from intentional choice or from conditioned behavior of scarcity mindset coming from deep-seated feelings of your value and worth. 

See what you discover and reach out to tell me. I'll be sipping coffee in my tiny house while not watching tv.