Out of nowhere, about once every few months, my entire abdomen and lower back seize up in cramps. I'm in no danger but the pain has become faint and foreign these past few years so when it comes, it grips me.
It reminds me I'm transgender, like I needed a reminder.
I'm reminded each morning I open my eyes and every evening when I close them. I'm reminded of a decision I made to become this version of who I am and the costs and benefits that came with it. I remember the many moments I continue to take full responsibility and COMMIT to be and become a version that would trump all other versions. And that version isn't about how big my muscles get or how much facial hair I can grow. It isn't about swaggering around, asserting myself as some dominant dude or all the other trappings people associate with being male.
It's about the commitment I made to MYSELF. The possibilities I opened up by giving myself permission to be whatever and whoever I wanted to be. It's about what I've learned from giving myself that permission and taking on that responsibility. And it's about the possibilities I can help others open for themselves as they do the same.
And when I have nights like last night, I remember that nobody said it was easy.
It takes profound work and humility to get over ourselves and get out of our own way to inspire and influence people to be their best selves. To live lives full of passion and wonder and courage. The threat and temptation of complacency and resignation is SO strong in most humans, it often feels like it would take a superhuman to overcome it.
And in choosing to take on countless obstacles and overcome adversity, that's just what you become: SUPERhuman.
Abandoning mediocrity to be truly effective in your life requires immeasurable risk and possible failure with no promise of success. It means leaving behind the familiar ways of thinking and behaving that allow you to get by but not really make a real difference. To not really feel satisfied. To know you're leaving something unsaid, undone and unexplored.
To know there's a version of you who you still want to meet and know.
Committing to the gym. Committing to a diet. Committing to a job.
None of them will work until you commit to the source of them all: you.
Nobody said it was easy, but it IS possible. My body reminds me that anything is.